Why losing friendships means finding yourself 

I’d like to go back to the day before my 23rd birthday. May 27, 2017.
The day before everything changed. The day before I realized my own friends were holding me back from being my true self.
They say that who you associate with is a reflection of yourself. Hence why we have so much in common with our best friend(s).

Or do we?

I’m sure you’ve also heard that we tend to hold the same characteristics as our best friend(s). Whether it be our physical characteristics, our values, or our likes/dislikes.
Think about your closest friends for a minute. Do they have the same hair color as you? As each other? Are they the same height? Can you think of any physical characteristics of them, which are similar to yours?

All in all, when we click with another person, it just feels so natural, so perfect. Like nothing can stop us. We complete each other. She gives me a shoulder to lean on when I need it, and I am there to listen to her ramble on about something I pretend to care about. Because that’s what friends are for. That’s what friends do.

The differences that lay within our minds shouldn’t enable a broken friendship. As we grow older, we tend to value things differently than we did when we were a kid. For instance, money. $10 to a 13 year old means buying candy and snacks from the dollar store down the street. $10 to a 25 year old means gas for the car. We grow up, and we change. Our priorities change.

But what about the more complicated stuff. You know, the way we react to confrontation, or how we cope with feeling like a 5th wheel around your dearest and truest friends. How do we communicate these intense, and complicated feelings to our friends without sounding inconsiderate or immature?

The day is May 28, 2017. The sun is shinin’, my hair looks fabulous (it’s my birthday, so it better!), and I’m ready to spend the day with my favorite people.

I spend the afternoon hours with an older friend, one who I have known for years. Let me add, this is also a friend I frequently ride a rollercoaster ride with (metaphor). Within the past year or so, we have stopped talking on more than one occasion. The second occasion colliding into the weeks prior to my birthday. But we (I) swallowed our(my) pride and rekindled. We agreed that life is short to throw away a solid friendship, so it’s better to forgive, throw away the grudge, and move on. That we did.

Back to what I started with: I spent the afternoon hours with an older friend. We had lunch, and enjoyed our conversation with raised eyebrows and big smiles. We laughed on about the good ol’ days.

Fast forward four hours.

7:00PM, May 28th, 2017. There’s 6 of us. Two couples, my rollercoaster girlyfriend, and myself. We are all best friends, and have been since ’06. Very rarely do all of us find some time to get together, so you can bet we are all happy to be together.

We are playing a board game. Not a very interesting board game…so I can’t say I was having the time of my life. But, the boys were enjoying the board game so without ruining anybodys fun, I went with it. I continued to play.

About 20 minutes into the game, I excused myself from the game table, and stepped outside for some fresh air. While I was out there, my sister called, so it was the perfect time to chat with my sister.

When I walked back inside, my friend started giving me the silent treatment. She was mad I left the game table. She insisted I was “escaping” so I wouldn’t have to play.
And, well, maybe she was right. But in my defense, my sister called and I got caught up in the conversation. And mind you, the way I excused myself was very respectable, and if I watched another adult doing the same thing I wouldn’t think anything serious of it. Unless of course, the situation deemed  necessary.

Fast forward, my friend continued to give me the cold shoulder. She was very offended that I left the table. When I pulled her to the side and asked her if there was anything I could do to make it better, she looked at me like I was some sort of enemy. All I saw were two aggressive looking black colored eyes (we were in a kitchen with barely any light)…but what I truly saw was a woman (in her mid 20’s) who possibly secretly hated me.

Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I am over analyzing this. But the intensity was real, and it was present.
She answered my question and said “No, you are being inconsiderate of other people. We set all of this up for your birthday and you’re escaping. You seem to be in your own little bubble and we are all tired of it”

I started to cry.
I started to apologize.

My anxiety (very mild) started to kick in.
I felt like I was being accused of acting like an anti-social freak.
I apologized and explained myself.

I didn’t mean anybody any hardship. Why I left the game table is simply a result of my own insecurities. In that moment, I was thinking about no one but myself. I sat there, unfamiliar with this board game and not really enjoying myself. So what does my instinct say? Politely excuse yourself and get some fresh air. Hey, these are your best friends, so they should understand.

Wrong.

So…I went home that night asking myself so many questions.
Why did my friend take it so personal? Why did my friend get so hateful? Why did she look at me like I had just slept with her husband? What did she mean when she said “We are all tired of it” WHO IS WE?!

I felt attacked. I felt alone. I felt misunderstood.

Ever since that day, I haven’t talked to anybody who was there that day—present on my birthday. No one has reached out to me to ask how I am doing. No one.

The days following my birthday, I started feeling alone. So very, very alone. I felt like I was about to lose all of my friends.
Physically speaking, I wasn’t alone. I had my dog, Marbelz, and my mom. Oh, my lovely mother. But in my mind, I was seriously alone.

I started to wonder why my own friend couldn’t understand that any of my actions that night were not because of her. It was me. Purely, and truly me. I also couldn’t understand why she got so offended by my excused presence. No one else seemed to mind except her. Then it hit me. She doesn’t accept me for who I am. In fact, she flat out told me that she finds my personality unacceptable.

I kept trying to convince myself that this will all pass. And I don’t need my ’06 girlfriends in order to feel complete.

But to be honest, I was breaking down. In the midst of all this, I was also experiencing the end of a relationship.

I felt completely, and truly fragile, and I have never experienced anything like this in the past.

As the days passed, I started to get bored. Of course I had nobody to call and hang out with. So I needed to put my good time to use. I started painting. I started this blog. I thought maybe my happiness would reappear if I listed exactly the things that make me happy:

-Iced coffee
-Sand between my toes
-Painting
-Reading
-Marbelz
-Pedicures
-Styling my hair

…the list went on

I am currently taking it day by day–trying to find myself again. Your friends shouldn’t have the kind of power to define you, so if you are reading this and can relate in any way,  try to remember that your friends should accept you exactly for who you are.
I realized, I am only 23 years young. I have many many years ahead of me. And although I am losing friends, I will find new ones. I will create new friendships and new memories. And I will find myself again. I now know the most important quality in a friendship: 

A C C E P T A N C E

Nobody is perfect. Everybody has an imperfection, and at times, we tend to forget that fact not only about ourselves; but other people, too.

 

61 thoughts on “Why losing friendships means finding yourself 

  1. It takes a lot of courage to share personal experiences! So well done for executing it so beautifully. Relationships are complicated and yes sometimes we have to accept that not all friendships are lifelong. Ever heard the saying that people are in our lives for either a reason, a season or a lifetime? It is our duty to then figure out which, with our friends. Sorry to hear you went through a rough place with your friends. I always say learn a lesson from every situation, don’t waste the pain. This is exactly what you have done. You have learned that your life and happiness should not be defined by anyone and you have shared this lesson in your post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The truth is not everybody in our life is going to stay. Many of our acquaintances, friends, and lovers all go their separate ways. The good ones stay. The ones who are supposed to stay, will. That’s just how it works. Yes, I have heard of the reason season or a lifetime expression. It’s very accurate. I was most definitely taught a lesson in this experience and to be able to share it with every one on WordPress is encouraging because I am getting so much support from like-minded people such as you. I appreciate you taking the time to read this, and leaving your thoughts. I have caught myself coming back to this post, and reading the lovely comments to keep my spirit up. Thanks again!

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  2. Ugh so sorry that happened to you. You didn’t do anything wrong. That “friend” was looking for something to fault you with. She’s holding resentment towards you for who knows what reason? Sounds like it’s probably better to let that friendship go. And don’t believe her “We” statement. Maybe she’s vented to everyone about you for whatever reason and they just silently listened maybe nodding their heads, but it doesn’t mean they feel the same way. Maybe they’re all feeling awkward about the situation? I’m bummed they haven’t been in touch with you. Did they overhear the argument?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I know it is a little lengthy, and I am honestly surprised how many people have responded to this. Especially with it being my first post– I wrote this as a novice. I think you hit it on the nail with the “We” statement. I bet you you’re right, they were probably just nodding their heads. I can see them doing that. I have talked to one of the girls, she actually reached out to me. She did say it was a little awkward. Everything you guessed is about right. No one over heard the argument. We were very “mature” about it. We stepped aside into the kitchen, and that’s where I started to cry. Nobody saw though. Plus, I wiped the tears away and maintained a “fake” smile the whole night after that. I do not plan to become friends with this girl ever again. She is truly a cold person. Again, you make very valid points. She probably was looking for something to fault me with. Thank you so so much for reading this. It means a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I didn’t even notice it was lengthy. I think friendship trouble is just very relatable. We’ve all had those friends who we wonder if the aggravation of some of their traits is worth it. I’ve had some where I know it’s not and others that I feel I must accept them as is because the good outweighs the bad. And we all have our shortcomings & the friends who accept us despite it.
        I hope you’ve found some good friends! You deserve it!

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  3. This is so relatable! Sometimes I think some friends, as soon as they’re done with us, just throw us aside. We’re not worthy of their attention any more. Some friends also bring us down and make us feel bad of ourselves.Of course, by then, they can’t exactly be called “friends” anymore. It is hard to find true friends (I think), but in the meantime, we can find out who we are (“Not all who wander are lost”)! Wish you best of luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Very very true. People who are done with us see no reason to initiate contact anymore. They let their pride dictate their actions; instead of actually using a conscious heart to make a decision. Thank you for reading, and for sharing your thoughts on the matter. Your thoughts give me a new way to look at this situation. 💙🦋

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Don’t worry. You will find best friends again. If your best friends were holding you back, they weren’t good friends to begin with. I ended up going 2 years without best friends and then everything worked out on its own.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well… the thing about friendships (or relationships in general) is that you shouldn’t force them. So letting things work out on their own is the best option.

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      2. Thank you! I’m not going to worry and I’ll spend my time doing a whole lot of other things that’ll probably make me happy for the meantime. Thanks again!

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    1. Hi there! Thanks for reading. It’s comforting to know there are others out there who feel the same way, and who have experienced similar situations. We don’t need toxic people in our life. It’s safer without them. Writing is indeed good therapy. And it’s inexpensive. Lol. Thanks for stopping by, I will check your blog out.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You to my dear! Peace and love. The journey will be hard, but gets easier. I’ve really had a hard time because I’ve wanted to start selling something but afraid I don’t have enough friends who would buy. Its just sad 😦 I’ve changed so much in the last year!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Awh ☺️ thank you so much! It means a lot to me that you read this. It was very hard writing it but It is comforting to know other people go through it too. Sometimes we feel so alone in situations like this and we don’t think about how common it is. My anxiety is fairly low. But it strikes its high point when I feel attacked. Thank you so much! ☺️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know that it be easy to feel completely alone in tough situations; I’m glad that you took to writing about your feelings. It’s very therapeutic, for one, and you are VERY good at it. You are right; while strings of words can be strung together by every individual in unique combinations every day, all human situations and emotions are common, and others have always gone through the same things. This is a great time to find yourself! I’m glad you are sharing your journey with us! 💙💙

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I went through a similar situation about a year ago. My best friend decided she wanted nothing to do with me and I still haven’t found out why. We lived together, spent all our time together, and she was my maid of honor. She never wanted to work on whatever was bothering her and that was that. It still hurts. I never even had a chance. It made me cautious of the rest of my friends for awhile too.

    Thanks for sharing your story.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Seriously? I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s not fair 😞 I know how that feels. That’s happened to me but with a guy and it really isn’t fair because we don’t have a say in the matter. It’s very selfish of them. Thanks for sharing your experience ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Losing all your friends can actually be really liberating long term. I went through a pretty awful downward spiral last year, where I lost a lot of friends and had to rehabilitate my torn ACL, so was completely lonely, but it forced me to find ways to make myself happy without people, so I started reading tons, when my knee permitted later on working out a little, and going for walks in the park, and then of course this blog.

    In your situation it honestly sounds for the better. I think its really absurd they would get so angry about you taking a break from the game and then your sister calling you. Real friends would have been more understanding.

    Anyways, have a nice day and hope you find some better friends!

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  6. First off, I love your writing style. I connected with you so much. Second, not too long ago, something sort of like this happened to me. My ‘best friends’ decided to start a group chat about me and my boyfriend while we were standing right next to them. We both found out a little while after they started it so we left. I started breaking down in tears. I have anxiety too, so that didn’t make anything better. There were 5 of them in the group chat. For the next few days I felt broken. They were my only friends. I wrote a blog about it awhile ago called ‘High School Never Ends’. You can read it if you would like. After I wrote about it I realized that I didn’t need any of them in my life anymore. One by one they started apologizing. It’s been a few months, but I still don’t trust any of them as much as I did then. I still talk to all of them, but I don’t trust them 100% at all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awh thank you so much!!! *hugs* I will definitely read into that blog. I promise. I’m at work right now, so I can’t read it right now. I love giving feedback, so I want to take my time and really read it later and give you my best opinion of it. I think we experience bad friends one way or another. It makes us stronger in the end, especially when we walk away. I’m glad you walked away from such a toxic group of friends. You go girl! I promise it’ll get better. I hated High School for many many reasons…lol…mainly because of all the drama. It’s unavoidable though. But thank you for leaving a comment, and being honest. I appreciate that. I will check your blog out tonight!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for looking into my blog! And thanks for the encouragement! Sometimes I wonder if I should be friends with them again, because I think of all the good times we had, doing stupid things and being so close. But I know it’s for the best if we go our separate ways. I look forward to your feedback on my post tonight!

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  7. Thank you for writing this post, I empathise with how you’re feeling, I lost my best friend 2 years ago and looking now, I can’t believe how different we actually are! We were so close, inseparable at the time. I guess I really did find myself! X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awh, thank you so much for reading! Isn’t it crazy how different we can be from the ones we call our ‘best friends’? I’m happy to hear you found yourself. That is seriously wonderful and you are so strong! Cheers to us. I guess it happens to the best of us, eh? Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate your thoughts so much!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Wow! Such a personal but inspiring recount. It takes a lot to open up and put important life events out there but I’m so glad you did. So many people will benefit for this and you’re right… just be you! Everyone is perfectly imperfect in their own unique way. Keeping smiling beautiful you’re truly amazing and deserve better, more understanding people in your life.

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  9. Hi! I really connected and understood what you’re writing, because though the situation is a bit different, I’m going through something very similar to this. Just like you, even I started blogging to get through it and it’s really helped me too. Though I don’t write about myself In my blogs(I write book reviews) I understand how writing is a freedom to express yourself and I’m really proud that you could share your story like this! More power to you!

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      1. I am going to read it later tonight (i’m at work, blogging, shame on me) LOL. So expect a comment tonight 🙂 (I’m very expressive with my thoughts, I love sharing my thoughts). I have a question though. Did you send/mail her the letter?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m the same way with blogging at work… oops!

        No. I never sent it. I’ve debated sending it, but there are a lot of ‘what ifs’ that would plague my mind if I did; more so than since I didn’t.

        Like

    1. Hey Abby! Thanks for reading. It means a lot. I would really like to read about your experience. Could you share the link?
      When we separate from friends it hurts, but we will eventually heal. This situation happened about a month ago and I’m finally starting to feel a little better about it. It really is for the best. I’ve been focusing on me, and figuring ways to become happy again. I hope you are finding ways to be happy, too. We all deserve happiness. Thanks again! And please feel free to leave the link to that blog you mentioned. ☺️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh gotchya. I must’ve read that wrong. Sorry! Let me know when you post it! Take your time, good writing takes time. Just be honest in how you feel. I’m sure you’ll get a lot of feedback. There are a lot of girls out there just like us, looking for blogs to read about this sort of situation of losing friends. Good luck! ☺️

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m sorry to hear about your situation with your friend. Great friends should “get” you and be there with you through thick and thin. I hope you have found or will find more positive friendships. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for reading. You are right, good friends should understand me. I felt the exact opposite and I’m finally starting to feel better about this situation. It only happened about a month ago and still no word from any one of them. Thanks again, it really means so much to me. 🙂❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I know exactly how this feels. Feeling like your friends don’t like you, and then testing the relationship to find that you were the one keeping it alive. It’s so frustrating and embarrassing at the same time. You will definitely find new friends, and hopefully some that you connect to perfectly who understand you and accept exactly who you are now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Rachel thank you for taking the time to read such a personal experience. It really means a lot to me.
      Yes, that’s exactly how I felt. That my own friends didn’t like me. It’s confusing, and very embarrassing. I am taking it day by day, but this blogging thing is really helping me heal from this.
      Thanks again!

      Like

  12. Such an honest post. I spent a few years hanging out with someone (and we did have the same hair colour and style and we both had young daughters!) until eventually I realised that every time I saw her she insulted me and brought me down. And I wondered why I carried on seeing her … so I stopped. I felt mean at first, but it’s actually great not to have that negative influence in my life anymore. I wish you the best and good luck with your blog!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for reading. It’s amazing how much we have in common with our best friends…but yet we still feel misunderstood by them. I’m sorry your friend insulted you. It happens to the best of us. I’m taking it day by day, it’s getting better.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. At least you figured it out early! I’m nearly 10 years older than you and it took me till now to realise that saying no to people and living a little for myself isn’t selfish – it’s healthy! True friends aren’t easy to find, but when you’ve got them, you know who they are. Stay strong, be happy!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks for the feedback, I’ve always wondered what life is like being in your 30’s. Is it better? Sometimes I feel older, but when I look in the mirror I still see a younger image of myself than what I see in my mind. I tried to comment on one of your posts but it wouldn’t post. Did you by chance receive notification that I commented? I really liked you “Who’s got your back?” post.

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    2. This post is so inspirational and cool. I’d love to follow you but it would mean publicating my email and it’s bad enough WordPress put it on my blog. I have lost a friendship recently and I hated it, but it helped me discover something I never had before.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hey! thank you for reading! I’m not sure what you mean by WordPress asking you to publicize your email if you want to follow me. if that’s the case, i haven’t received notification of any of my followers email addresses. Not sure why it’s asking you to provide that.
        Thanks for stoping by!

        Liked by 1 person

  13. It’s good sometimes to isolate yourself to reconstruct yourself. And purely going by what you have written, I find no fault of yours to what you did. Better to be off from people who don’t even make an effort to salvage a relation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you reading. You’re exactly right– it’s better to stay away from people who bring me down and don’t even care to bring me back up. I felt so low that day. So misunderstood. I do not want to go through that again.
      Thanks again!

      Like

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